Educational consultant, Bob Bilello, helps place students into primary and secondary schools. He has been awarded the Best Educational Consultant award by Boston Magazine.

How would you describe what you do?
I see myself as an advocate for children who are going to experience a process that is totally incongruous with where they are developmentally. I want to protect them from the pernicious nature of it.

What do you mean by this?
Kids today applying to a private secondary school have to give up part of their childhood. That’s the world we live in. Their lives get redirected away from building tree forts and imaginary play - the things we did - to fulfilling application requirements, what we call GET – Grades, Extra-curriculars and Testing. The parental responsibility is enormous. It’s not enough not to be the culprit; you have to be proactive. Saying, “Well, I don’t push my kid, that’s not good enough.”

How can parents be proactive, they’re just trying to meet the requirements too, make sure their child measures up? It’s so competitive.
Most importantly you need to see the world through your child’s eyes remember what its like to be twelve, thirteen or seventeen years old. Take yourself back and imagine what it would feel like to be on the receiving end of this. If you can get there, it will prevent you from spiraling out of control.

Can you give me an example?
Okay, say your child has written their essay for a school application and you suggest a topic you think is better - you know, what you think will be a better read on the other end, or that you edit their essay. For a kid twelve years old this can be read as, “I’m not good enough to do it.” You are also defining a moral code for them that says it’s okay not to abide by the rules.

It sounds like your saying it can get out of control very easily?
I have had parents offer me money that you would not believe to get their kids into a school. Although everyone, including the schools, wants children to have a “childhood,” performance does subjugate it. The schools know that they will be judged by which colleges the kids get into, and that’s all based on performance.

Well, the real world is about performance in many regards, so why is this bad?
It can rob a kid of their individuality. School is not about me learning, it’s about winning and beating you. Kids think self-esteem is about the grades they get and we reinforce it when we spend our time with them asking them about how they did on a test. We have lost the walking across the meadow on a summer afternoon, the time when they feel ‘I can be who I am.’ For a kid it can feel like every waking moment they have to be achieving; and it will get ingrained in them, that that is how they are valued - by what they do and whether they are better than the other kids. It won’t change when they become adults. If you have a four-bedroom house, well then I want a five-bedroom house. Not belonging to a country club can become a catastrophic experience because their feelings of acceptance will be rooted in the symbols of success - the A’s, being captain of the soccer team, president of the class – and later the house, the car, the club versus feelings of acceptance for who they are. That’s the downside

There is a lot of press on this, but do you think our kids are overscheduled in the interest of creating the resume that will get them in?
I work with a lot of 8th graders who say, “I don’t play.” They are loaded with activities. I can’t find the time to work with them. It’s the rare twelve-year old who is interested in all those activities. Most high achieving adults are busy; it’s appropriate then. For a twelve-year old to be that busy, is a sin. They are losing the wonder of being a child.

Can you give me another example of being proactive as a parent?
Well, you can walk in the grass with them, or your analog for that. And when you do, don’t talk about school or grades or whether they have done something they are supposed to do. By doing this, you will communicate that you enjoy them for who they are not for what they do. Children are to be treasured for their uniqueness not a resource to be used or scheduled for their resume. Let them know by your behavior and your reactions that they don’t have to be on the top. Allow them the opportunity to fail, get up and go on. If they sense that it is acceptable to you to not always have to win, they will feel it is okay to take the risk to fall short and they will learn to take measured risks. You don’t want to groom this out of their development.

Link to Website: www.robertbilello.com